The History of Cupcake Eating Rights

Let’s talk about a very uncontroversial topic. Lets talk about cupcakes. Everybody loves cupcakes, well not everyone. Also lets talk about two girls. Because of a lack of a bolder imagination, and since these are the names of my cats, they will be called Lucy and Conny. Also we will say that they live in a neighborhood with 50 houses, and coincidentally in the same one.

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Look, here’s one.

Both of this individuals have their own mindsets and opinions on cupcakes. Lucy has a set of principles and believes that tell her that she shouldn’t eat cupcakes. She actually gathers with other people that have the same sets of believes and that’s totally fine.

However Conny doesn’t follow the same set of principles or believes. If she wants to, she can have that cupcake, and as a matter of fact she is hungry, she needs it, and she wants to have it. We agree that she is not under any obligation to follow Lucy’s believes, right? The thing is that Lucy doesn’t want her to have that cupcake, she thinks that, following her mindset, no one should have cupcakes.

That’s not a problem because there’s a group of people that make the rules in the neighborhood. Let’s call them The Supremes, because I really like this band. The Supremes stated since 1973 that any girl in the neighborhood is free to have cupcakes, but only if she eats it three months after it was baked. You know, for her own safety and that one of the cupcake. (We’re not going to discuss the rights of the cupcake, that’s another conversation that would make this explanation less simple, and we don’t want that.) Let me also tell you that from 1873 to 1983 it was illegal for anyone in the neighborhood to promote or distribute any information about cupcake eating, even less actually eat them.

So yeah, now Conny can freely have a cupcake! Hooray. Still The Supremes allow every head of each household to decide the rules and regulations on how to eat cupcakes. In the case of Lucy and Conny, the head of their household is a man, lets call him Greg. Greg is a cool name. Greg has the same set of believes as Lucy, actually most people in this household follow the same believes, even those ones who help Greg administrate the household. Again that’s cool, but again we have to remember that Conny is under no obligation to follow the same mindset.

Greg decides to stick to the rules of the household that have been active for a long time and he says, “Ok, cool Conny. You can have a cupcake, BUT you have to eat it with a silver spoon. The drawer this silver spoon is has to follow certain regulations, like the size and sterilization, and actually the silver spoon has to be 9.3 inches long. If it’s shorter you can’t have the cupcake. Sorry that’s the rule since June of 2013.”

The room where Conny is right now has no 9.3 in silver spoons. Good thing that in that same household there’s a 9.3 in silver spoon, only that it’s upstairs and Conny is downstairs. It seems silly to think that Conny can’t go upstairs and eat her cupcake there, but that’s the reality of many. I know! Some people are just able to walk up the stair and others are not. Some people were even born upstairs! Lucky ones.

There’s another option for Conny to have her cupcake. She heard that in the household next door she doesn’t have to eat her cupcake with a 9.3 in silver spoon. I think the cupcakes next door look something like this:

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It’s easier for Conny to walk out the door to her neighbors house and have her cupcake there, than actually going upstairs in her own household. Unfortunately this is not the case for everyone. Some people are not allowed to cross state lines–I mean house doors. It’s also one of those weird things that happen.

So if Conny is not allowed to go out of her house what are her options? She is left with having to buy the 9.3 in silver spoon that costs around $1,200. If you have that amount of money it’s cool you can now eat your cupcake. If you don’t… well, that’s bad. Is another one of those weird things that happen like being able to walk up the stairs. Some people can have their cupcake and eat it too.

What Conny could do is call FoodAid and ask for help to pay those $1,200. The thing is that there was this guy in 1976 upset with The Supremes’ decision to make cupcakes legal. Remember that guy from “That’s 70’s Show”? Hyde? Let’s call this other guy Hyde as well. Hyde created this rule saying that FoodAid was just not going to cover cupcakes. Just don’t.

So yes. Conny is allowed to have a cupcake but the rules of her neighborhood and household make it extremely difficult for her to have one. Conny doesn’t have a silver spoon, but she does have a knife. She can try to have her cupcake with this knife, but history has showed her that there’s a possibility for her to get cut. She doesn’t want that right? Things will have been easier only of Conny and Lucy’s household offered baking classes warming them about the consequences. You know, having a cupcake in the oven that maybe later you may want to eat is not the worst scenario. You can end up with a really bad burn, but their household are are not giving boys and girls the baking classes they need. They’re just telling the that they shouldn’t bake. However studies have showed that telling people not to bake is not stopping people from baking.

So Conny couldn’t get help from FoodAid but that’s not a problem because people are seeing a high necessity to eat cupcakes so they’re gathering efforts to create a fund  for everyone to have cupcakes! There are people giving baking classes, handling oven mittens, etc. They’re trying to make baking safe! Let’s call them Baking Centers. As I said some of this efforts include offering the funds for people to buy silver spoons, or even offering spoons that are not 9.3 inches. Oh, but we forgot about those regulations that make it illegal to have a cupcake without a 9.3 in silver spoon. So now this Baking Centers had to be closed.  Again you can tell people not to bake as much as you want, but it is not stopping them and is only making them have unsafe bake. 

Luckily something happen in June 2016! There was a meeting with The Supreme and cupcake eating experts. They reached a decision and this was that you don’t need a spoon to eat cupcakes! The experts said that having this spoon in a drawer with certain regulations and all of that is not necessary. As a matter of fact there are other kinds of foods that are harder to eat, but the law doesn’t require this regulations. Like soup. Most people eat it with a spoon of course and makes it safer and better, but is actually legal to eat it without a spoon.

This allowed the Baking Centers to open again. This was a huge step for all of the Cupcake Eating supporters, because this will help other households remove these Cupcake regulations. But hold on those ones with a sweet tooth. Another thing that happen is that now Greg is requesting the burial and cremation of baking cups. This sounds ridiculous since there are other food wastes that are not required to get cremated or buried. So why do baking cups have to?

So now Conny may be able to eat her cupcake without a spoon. She was able overcome the door crossing and the trip upstairs, but the cost of the cremation/or burial will mean another cost barrier.

I know that reproductive rights and abortion access can’t be reduced and compared to cupcakes, but this narrative helped me to understand the short but complicated history of it. Not to mention as well that the pro-life and pro-choice argument, which I didn’t took the time to develop, is way deeper and harder to pin as black and white; even less cupcakes. I just wanted to find a way to explain the facts of abortion access in a simpler way. Hope it helps you as well.